Just By Yourself

Loneliness - This is the state of being alone in solitary isolation.

Some people prefer being alone but why? Why would someone want to be alone with no one to help them in case something goes wrong or no one to congratulate them for their achievements when something goes right? Some like to keep to themselves and I don't always understand why, if they were to tell someone, they could acknowledge you, they can learn more about you even if it is embarrassing.

I thought I was alone for a long time, with no one around me who understood the way I felt about everything in the world, I never once realized that I felt alone because I never asked for anyone's help or I never shared things about me to them.

I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my parents, thinking that if I had to share everything with them, would I get a lecture or would they smile and be happy, I decided to keep to myself and I didn't want to bore my parents, so when I went back to school the following day I thought to myself if I could really keep everything to myself and I kept asking myself "why?" Why didn't I tell  my parents everything I wanted to in the restaurant, why did I choose to be alone in those experiences. 

I needed to tell someone about everything but I was to "comfortable" with my friends to tell them extremely personal things, so I started my blog, I have been entering all my thoughts into it. I named it "Teen Grade" don't ask me why but I felt alone in everything and it was the only thing I could think of, I have many views from many different places and it feels good to know that people out in the world know my stories and that I am not alone in this journey called life

Strangers Again

Stranger - a person whom one does not know or whom one is not familiar.

I never knew much about you. I had seen you around school but never heard or asked about you, you were a stranger to me.

It was the first school gala of the year which we were all forced to go and watch. I was never one to cheer so I would look for an excuse to wonder around. My friend wanted popcorn so I jumped at the chance to go and stand in the line with her, that's when you came up to us and started speaking to me, I was a bit freaked out at first because you were a total stranger and I was shy.

I got your number and we started to speak. You were such a flirt and we got so close but I wasn't ready for a relationship so I asked to be just friends and that's what we became; friends. We would meet up during breaks and would see each other going from class to class, I saw you out at socials and we went to movies with the condition that we watch a cartoon. We began to get closer and closer and our friendship grew stronger and stronger.

You finally kissed me and I felt butterflies, something I have never felt before. We didn't make it official that we were dating and it didn't bother me but then one day I was looking around on the web and saw that you changed your display picture to a picture of you and another girl, that is when my heart dropped and I had finally realised after all this time, I was in love with you, not just puppy love but actual love. When I saw you all I wanted to do is smile, you made my day everyday but then exams started to drift in and I would see less and less of you. My heart slowly broke, I didn't understand because I still loved you.

Holidays came and we started to get close again. We went out occasionally but rarely then. You invited me over for the first time and I had a great time except for one little thing, you still hadn't asked me to be your girlfriend. Your brother told me you felt stupid for not asking me out which made me smile, you know that goofy smile we all have? Yeah that type of smile.

We went back to school and would spend every other break together but one day after the other I felt as if you  were getting irritated with me, I asked you about it and you said I had become clingy which lead to a fight. You broke my heart once again but I couldn't help but still have feelings for you, you still made my day everyday even though we never spoke to each other, even though we would walk straight past each other with out even a glance towards one another, I still had feelings for you, even though I could officially call you a stranger again.

End of the Tunnel

Our achievements and our failures can scare us in the long run but we just have to find a way to reassure ourselves that we have done what we have done and that we will do what we will do.

We are all powerful, we all have the power to control our lives and sometimes some parts of other peoples, I know that my family has power over mine.

Nelson Mandela said "our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are more powerful beyond measure and it's our lightness not darkness that frightens us."

When I read this I took it as the lightness is our future and darkness is our past which made me think of "There is always light at the end of the tunnel."

My future frightens me, I unsure where I am going to be but I do know where I have been. We don't know what is in the light at the end of our tunnel but we do know what is in the darkness at the beginning of the tunnel. I  am most probably not nearly half way through this tunnel, I expect much more to happen in my life and that I have many more different things yet to experience.
 When you get to the end of the tunnel you are happy and you have experienced everything you would like to and you have overcome everything you have been afraid of.

Where did the youth go?

When we are young we wish to grow up and now that we are grown up we wish to be young again.
When I watched Peter Pan when I was younger I never fully understood why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up, it was all I ever wanted to do, to be on my own and not get told what to do when to do it. Now I want to be younger, to play games with my brother and not fight like we do now, when every other weekend was reserved for my dad and now we don't even speak, my mom and I on the other hand are a lot closer than ever now.

Yes I am happy with where I am now but when I was younger I didn't have to worry about getting good marks but rather about colouring within the lines, I didn't have to worry about broken hearts but rather about a scrapped knee, I didn't have to worry about fake friends but rather sharing my crayons with someone who wouldn't loose them, I didn't have to worry about overthinking in the middle of the night but remembering to feed my dog when I wake up and even if I don't, mommy will.

"Being a teenager is overrated, according to our parents we are to young for love, too old for 'fun', too mature to act dumb and too immature for 'grown up' conversations and you wonder why we are so rebellious?"

Only if you're a Teen Grade

I'm Trying

I'm trying...
Personally I have always liked this phrase. It is not as exact as "I can" or "I can't", "I'm Trying" is a possibility. This means that you may or may not see accomplishment in the end but at least you are trying. "I can" means you are able to do something, "I can't" means you are unable to do something but "I'm trying" means exactly that, you are trying so that eventually you are able to say "I can" or "I can't" but knowing you did try.

Me? I'm trying to be me, yes it should come easy (The fact that I am me) but in the new world with comparisons and competitions about beauty or IQ and most things like that, being the true me is difficult, I don't even know who my true self is, I have multiple personalities like:

• When I'm with my friends
• When I'm with my family
• When I'm with him
• When I'm alone

None of these are my true self though. Who am I trying to be? Am I trying to be my true self? or am I trying to be a form of myself? If so what mould am I in? One that has been made by society?

• The least you could do is try
• Try new things
• Try to be the true you

only if you're a teen grade